It’s a funny feeling. It feels like you have a smudge on your face, and everyone is looking at you and talking about it. It doesn’t matter how hard you try and scrub it off, everyone can still see it. It is not like a birthmark or a scar. It is something dirty and unspeakable–something others seem embarrassed about. It is something you feel makes you a lesser man. You simply feel…soiled.
When people with PTSD or BPD become so emotionally overcharged everything losses perspective, the sufferer feels diminished and failing in their attempts to communicate and the volumes of conversations get raised. Most friends or spouses interpret this as screaming, yelling and even abuse…in the majority of cases, it is really not…these people, locked in side their heads are just trying to be ‘seen’. They feel like they are drowning but they are in a foreign land, they are screaming for help and no one sees or understands them so they increase the volume in proportion to the pain and frustration.
I’m not making excuses, just giving insight.
The thought and hope of walking together in life with someone who cares enough about where I am going that they are able to help me with where I have been, is one of the major motivating forces in positioning myself to live a full and satisfied life.
Psalm for the Broken was written at a stage when things where changing for me. I had come to terms with what had happened to me. I had accepted that I could never undo it, and I had to get comfortable with living with it, as it is truly a part of who I am as a man. I had to embrace it or die under the shame of it. I had to accept that there would always be consequences to bear because of the actions of others–actions that I had no control over.
I came to realize that though I had no control of the actions, but I had control of the consequences. I decided that continually asking the “Why?” question never helped anyone or resolved anything. From this acceptance and subsequent decision, came the courage to live present. Living present is what most people who have been through abuse never seem to do well. I choose to daily. Not just for me, but to show those that have been through a similar expereince that it is possible to rise from the ashes of adversity and to shine. That is my psalm for the broken.